when postpartum, peri-menopause & pandemic collide.

Who? Women. (Postpartum, peri-menopausal, in a pandemic or all of the above.)

What? Scary, uncharted, Mother Effer of a time in a woman’s life that can feel like Satan himself has overtaken you whole and is holding you for ransom.

Where? A woman’s body, mind, heart & soul.

When? As postpartum women crash head-on with the onset of peri-menopause. (So fun.)

Why? We can explain it biologically, but seriously, who the eff knows?

Sit tight my friends, this one’s a doozy…..

This is a story. A story of a woman (woman meaning, me) who had her second child at 42, less than a year before entering into a pandemic & had no idea she was about to meet the biggest bitch she’s ever met. Let’s call her Peri, shall we?

My hope is that I can shed a light for others who may have a similar experience, so that they don’t feel crazy and cry on the bathroom floor at 4 am. This, all during a full blown panic attack, irrationally thinking they are dying too because the crippling anxiety has begun to consume every single, looping thought of their days.

This is not to scare anyone. And truthfully, some of you will be lucky enough to dodge the proverbial Peri bullet… and I so wish that for you. This is my story, my experience, thus far. Consider this my early holiday gift to you (no returns, no exchanges) to arm yourself as you prepare for battle. This is to blast open an archaic, taboo conversation, so that you are informed and have a sooner awareness and ability to be proactive in your own health and wellness journey; whatever is thrown your way. To not feel alone or frightened. To feel like you once did. To discover and find yourself again in a new way and embrace this inevitable milestone. 

As with many, many disparities regarding women and particularly aging woman, these things are not often given the full relevance or platform they deserve. This is exactly how I felt when I miscarried and wasn’t sure of my fertility. I had no idea I wasn’t the only one until I started reading, talking with others and writing my former blog. This discussion too, is not just important. It’s essential. If we can just get a tiny glimpse into what we may expect, maybe Satan’s overtaking won’t be so God-damn frightening. 

I never considered myself postpartum after my daughter was born because I was in a blissful state of euphoria with her. This was in direct opposition to how I felt when my son was born. This was particularly surprising because in all honesty, we were ambivalent about having her. But with Lili, she was indeed the incredible, missing piece of our family’s puzzle. Nothing phased me, I wasn’t tired, no anxiety, I actually enjoyed co-sleeping and getting up with her, I had energy and I even felt really pretty. I was glowing and truly enjoying every second of my time with her. She was my peace. It wasn’t until re-entering therapy this past May, right before Lili turned 2, that my incredibly, amazing rock-star practitioner began sharing current findings on a whole postpartum demographic that often doesn’t hit until well after the infancy stage. So, did I nose dive with the rigors and compounding of COVID quarantine for all those months? Quite possibly.

Fast forward to last November. I’m now 44. I have anxiety disorder to begin with- exacerbated by this sudden, ‘Where the eff is this coming from?’ unfounded preoccupation with getting sick and dying. I’ve always worried about death, but this was different. It was darker. It was literally like I fell off a hormonal cliff. The OCD of constantly checking some body part every time I when into the bathroom, whether it be the malignant lump (aka pimple) on the side of my throat, the way my right breast had definitely changed shape and must be Stage 4 cancer or the ridge inside my mouth which is bumpier than usual so…you know…. oral cancer. Add to that a lack of motivation, a deep, deep sadness and missing of my former gypsy-dancer, city-girl, free spirited, traveling life, a resentment of my kids that I can’t even pee by myself, a short temper, no patience, forgetfulness, irregular periods, a hormonal roller coaster, night sweats, inconsistent sleep, being the perfect mommy obsession, feeling selfish for admitting to myself that being a mommy isn’t enough to fulfill me and… THE most awesome part of it all… wait for it…. The body change. Oh yes - it’s happening folks. Like a runaway train that left the station and me, the naive dumbass chasing behind it thinking I can fully stop it. It was a lot. I mean like, WTF? I was definitely one who arrogantly thought, ‘That won’t happen to me, I’m a dancer.’ Well guess what bitch? It’s happening- even to you so….Get off the high horse and welcome to the club, girlfriend.

I was energetically depleted, drowning and I didn’t know how to get myself back. I felt like I was on the outside of myself looking in saying, ‘Who the hell is that person?’ It was terrifying. All the self- regulating tools that had been working up until now, weren’t- in an instant. I felt completely lost. I tried everything holistic. Reiki, Shaman healing, herbs, yoga, meditation and then…I admitted I needed help. So, I reached out to my old therapist who graciously, took me back on amidst a shortage of therapists during a pandemic. I had also vehemently refused the thought of any medication to help with the panic attacks, looping thoughts and depression until I also visited my beloved OBGYN who also knows me very well. Actually, I’m kind of obsessed with her too- another total rock-star. When I completely broke down and told her I felt like I was going crazy…. She replied, “Jess, normally, I would tell you to try increasing exercise and go the holistic route first, but, you do all this already and more yoga just isn’t going to cut it. This has been going on too long and it’s getting worse. So, this is what we’re going do…..” and I nodded my head in agreement and took the prescription. The tears that I cried in that moment, I think were of relief and also failure, acknowledging that, I just couldn’t do this on my own. It was a moment of surrender and acceptance to getting my life back on track and not missing out on anymore of the joy that I had for the last 6 months. 

With regular check-ins and sessions with my amazing team, I began to google that bitch Peri and understand a lot of her hazing into this sorority. I’ll admit, for me, it is part existential to ponder what lies ahead after life on earth and how to not fear it. I still struggle looking in the mirror and seeing the physical changes despite my efforts. I’m not going to lie and say it’s something I graciously accept yet, but I now understand what’s happening to me and that gives me power. And should you experience any of this too, it gives it to you as well. You can then make informed decisions over your health, your body and your well-being. Find your team who understands and listens to you. Find your support system. Meditate and find quiet amongst the noise when you can. This part of life can be just as beautiful as it is scary (I think… Lol.) I’m here and I’m healthy (Again, I think ..Lol,) but the hardest, hardest lesson for me to learn is that I cannot control the future and what is to come. I have to enjoy my life, trust the universe and release it. That - is a total mind fuck for me.

What I’ve realized that I can control, however, is to take all of this “stuff” and put it to good use. I can help others. I can help them find their joy and support them and that’s what I intend to do. I choose not to believe this little “blip” just happened and be complacent. I am turning it into something positive and maybe, this is all happening for that very reason. I feel a renewed purpose and inspiration to be a vehicle and voice for mental health and wellness. Particularly, for women and children.

Everyone’s story and journey will be different. Mine is not a template to be studied verbatim. Think of it more as a little ‘heads up’ for my girl squad and pulling back the curtain to a life-stage which deserves more respect and acknowledgment. We are all in this together, but we’re lucky to arrive at it. Women are the moon and its many, ever-changing phases and beautiful qualities. Be kind to yourself. Show yourself the same grace and self-compassion you show to others and remember you are here and capable of anything. Including joy and fun. Hold on tight to that.

Thanks for coming to my Peri-menopause Ted Talk. 

 Much love, light + limited bloating,

jess