parts. of. me.

For J + L

Sure – I want my kids to remember Mommy as the one who left the love notes in their lunchboxes. The one who gave them her last bite of toast. The one who made holidays and birthdays memorable extravaganzas. The one who ran back to school when they forgot their library book. The one who slept on the edge of the bed with their feet in her face so the monster would let them sleep. The one who gathered her magic, ‘sprinkle dust’ from her pocket to make boo-boos disappear. The one who turned tear drops into smiles. The one who washed their favorite stuffy as soon as the cat puked on it. The one who loved them every day, with every single part of her, her whole life.

 I also want my kids to remember me as more than, “Mom.”  I want my kids to remember, Jessie. I want them to remember the parts of me outside of what they know on the daily – “Surface Mommy.” More than what my, “role” is to them. More than Mommy on her good days.  More than Mommy on her awful days. More than Mommy who snuggles. More than Mommy who loses her patience. I want them to remember all of me. Warts and all. To know me deeply.

 I often wonder if my kids will ever know or even care that Mommy is a free-spirit. Most often, they get the detail oriented, schedule- maker, task master, keep everyone on track, happy, watered and fed, Mommy. Will they ever know how much Mommy loves to travel? Will they know how I love to wander around airports? Will they know how I traipsed around Paris on my own, walking along the Seine and staring at artwork in stillness for hours, taking in the vastness and beautiful stories unfolding in front of me? Will they know of my romance with Paris? Will they know how I love its smell? Its energy? How I’d unapologetically devour banana and Nutella crepes sitting barefoot in my hotel window, chain smoking and people watching?

 Will they know how I rode camels in Morocco? Walked the red light district in Amsterdam in the middle of the night? Danced topless in the rain in Germany? Danced on bars in NYC? Played pool and drank jello-shots out of Dixie cups in Western Pennsylvania, while Little River Band played on the juke box? Talked with strangers on the streets of Istanbul? Felt the red earth of Uganda through my fingertips and celebrated with the joyous people who lived there? Will they know how I loved to be on stage and can still feel the rush of when the curtain opens? Will they know how Mommy loves life? Loves love? Has an unwavering weak spot for bad-boys with tattoos? (It’s OK…Dad knows)

 I wonder if J + L know how much the ocean soothes my soul. Do they know how the sun heals me? How the breeze and sea air recharge me? Do they know how I love sunrise at the beach and how it instantaneously makes me feel at one with the earth? Do they know how it quiets the noise that surrounds me and resides in me? Do they know it is where I am most a peace and do some of my best thinking? Do they know how I love to be still amongst the waves?

 Do my kids know I’m silly and actually really do have a sense of humor? Do they know how much I love to belly laugh? Do they know I love motorcycles? Boxing movies? Do they know of my love affairs and heartbreak? Those I’ve endured…and caused. Do they know that mommy believes soul mates don’t meet by accident? Do they know that mommy believes in magic? Do they know that Mommy is both a lover and a fighter? That mommy is passionate and lives and breathes from the inside out? Do they know that I am far from perfect? And, do they know that that’s OK, because I live and operate truly from my heart. Right, wrong or indifferent.

 Do they know how I love summer thunderstorms and used to cartwheel in them on the grass, over and over in our tiny backyard in Brooklyn? Do they know I like to lay in the grass now and watch the clouds travel across the sky? Do they know the moon and the trees speak to me? And I to them? Do they know how I love to drive and sing out loud with all the windows down? Do they know I can eat four slices of pizza and chase it down with a whole pint of Haagen Daz? Do they know listening to your favorite bands alone on the bathroom floor can be just as soul-fulfilling as seeing them live?

 Do my kids know I have a sailor mouth (probably) and relish in my alone time? Do they know it doesn’t mean I don’t love them, I just need to be quiet? Do they know I don’t always do or choose the right thing? Or say the right thing? And that too, is OK - because everyone is human. Do they know that I wonder if sometimes the wrong thing is really the right thing? And that the right thing is really the wrong thing?

 Do they know I took guitar when I was 9 and hated it because it hurt my fingers? Do they know I didn’t fall in love with school until I found something I loved to learn? Do they know I think homework sucks too? Do they know that I still daydream on the regular? Do they know I prefer being alone than poorly surrounded? Do they know I still get butterflies in my tummy when something excites me? Do they know that I am rock n- roll-meet boho-meet beach bum?

 Do my kids know I feel and know things before they happen? Do they know I dream in color? Do they know my dreams come alive? Do they know their mom is a woman with keen, witch-like intuition? Do my kids know their mom is also a woman?

 Do my kids know I believe in living with abandon? I vote for taking chances vs. regret. I believe your whole life should feel like crossing things off your bucket list. To my kids, I must appear overly cautious, safe and very much a rule-follower, most of the time. But…. it’s only because I want them to know how to think fully and completely for themselves before breaking those rules and living by their own. I want my kids to know I am not all I seem and so much more than I seem. I want my kids to know, there are some days I want to fly away- never from them, but because I too have wings. I want my kids to know I believe in loving hard, falling deep, following your heart and letting it get broken in the process. It’s OK to cry and ache and want. Every emotion means you’re alive.

 Will J + L understand there are so many parts to me…and more importantly, to them? I hope one day they do. I want to introduce myself to them as though they have never met me before. I want them to ask me their questions. I want them to be curious about me. In doing so, they might also learn a thing or two and never lose site of the many parts of themselves. I never want them to stop remembering to remember and hold tight to each one of them as they move through their own lives. Never judging, but embracing every, single part of them.

 J, L…..nice to finally meet you…. xx