middle age…..it’s a trip
This…is 46. The good. The bad. The beautiful. The ugly. Middle age - it’s a trip. But, what a difference a year makes. Not sure I thought I’d ever come out the other side of the past year. And yet, slowly, slowly, here I am - with so many lessons, internal dialogues, shifts, things resolved, questions answered & realizations come to light. And still, many remain. But, I stay curious. To learn, to evolve. I’m here & that means, I still have a purpose on this earth. To live, love & help others. A lot of my loved ones didn’t get that chance. The losses I‘ve endured specifically around my birthday, makes every one I do get to celebrate especially profound. I don’t take this blessing lightly.
This time of life comes with a lot of revelations… & freedom. Freedom to give less fucks over opinions, things & people that just really don’t matter. Freedom to live your life boldly & unapologetically on your terms, find your happiness & own it. More importantly, to own the bigger piece of this puzzle, which is to not feel guilty in doing so. Freedom to feel confident in your skin & who you are. Understanding all too well that life is even shorter than short- so follow your dreams. New dreams. Old dreams. Whatever calls to your heart. To not be afraid to follow the new adventures & paths & are actually excited by the unknown.
Life is really all so amazing. But, (& there’s always a, ‘but’) it does also come with big doubt, fear of that same unknown & new challenges to overcome. I guess, every chapter of life has its versions of these. 46 is no different. This one can be tough. Humbling. Accepting changes in your physical body & not recognizing yourself some days in the mirror. Changes in energy. The sadness of ending relationships that don’t positively serve your life anymore. Acknowledging & accepting you are in this different phase of life & really, truly becoming OK about it. Allowing yourself to sit in the limbo of sadness of what was & mustering the excitement to not dwell too long & focus on what’s still in store. Dealing with loss. Contemplating your mortality. Wanting to look & feel & live like you’re still 25 or even 30, but knowing deep down you’d never change the perspective you’ve gained & life you have now. Letting go of trying to control the outcomes of the unknown. It’s all tough. But, (& there is always another, ‘but’) I truly love the woman I’m coming into at this moment, probably more than I ever have. I am a much better, wiser, & more loving version of myself at 46 than I was at 26. Or even 36. And the best part? I’m surrounded by so much love & support in my life. More than I even feel I deserve sometimes. I have a true life partner who is my rock & my balance, the greatest kids to keep me in check & an irreplaceable family & friends. I count my blessings I have them. They are my heart & my biggest cheering section. I know I never walk alone & take all these “big” feelings smacking me in my 46 year old face & smile. And… I breathe. One day at a time. One birthday at a time.
I suspect this see-saw of, “buts,” will be forever ongoing. And that’s OK. It means I’m still here, growing. Living. So I lean into them, with each ebb & flow. Love big. Live big. Let yourself feel big. Like I said, middle age…it’s a trip. But it’s the trip of a lifetime.
“You cannot direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails.” - Cora L.V. Hatch