living in the gray.
I’ve never been one to easily navigate living in the gray. I am not indecisive. I am not ambiguous. I am not someone who flip-flops. I am not someone who sits comfortably in the unknown. I am impatient. I prefer to know things now and when. Face it head on. So, sitting in the gray area of uncertainty is not one of my strong suits. In fact, at times, certain triggers (usually revolving around health and death) can cause me debilitating panic attacks and make me sick to my stomach. Generally, I am just not someone who is good at or excited by the prospect of letting things unfold as and when. But, this is something, as I get older I continue practicing and am making amends with on a few levels.
First, I am now keenly aware of this trigger which can set off my Generalized Anxiety Disorder into a tail spin. Secondly, I realize and accept this is partly a control issue to which I have none. Thirdly, this is one of my repeated life lessons to come to understand that, some things will unfold as they will - without my input, wishing, worrying, overthinking, obsessing or manipulation of thought to will something and swing it in the direction I want. This is about surrender. Non attachment. Seeing the bigger picture. It’s about finding freedom in that surrender. Trusting the universe’s plan. It is about dropping ego and embracing universal pull and push. It is slowly trotting along while becoming OK in the unknown and not letting it get you too high or too low. It’s about finding a steady rhythm to coast to.
Living in the gray is finding comfort in your own skin and your life. It’s accepting some things will just turn out the way they are going to turn out. How we process that acceptance takes us to another realm of finding calm and just, “being.” It’s about letting go of all the fear we manifest when we just don’t know how something is going to end up. It’s about letting joy and presence in between these moments. No small task. It’s about trusting the path we are on and enjoying the twists and turns it takes us through. It’s about slowing down and not being so fast to get to the end result.
For someone who loves the definitive - this can be a life-long path to self-discovery. This proverbial, “limbo” can make living in the gray feel like torture. Like minded souls do better knowing it’s this or it’s that, good or bad- that way we can just ‘know’ and tackle what’s ahead. But this gray limbo of “maybe,” can be a very hard pill to swallow. Again, it all circles back to control and ego and once we come to terms with that, we can release fear and evolve our behavior and thinking into a much more pleasurable experience.
What we need to remind ourselves of, myself included, is that gray matter is essential. Like the brain, it deals with brain function and sensory control, emotions, movement, judgment, memory, decision making, self-control, the nervous system and all these facets of the body and mind which make us whole. So, if we can remember that connection and the pivotal role of gray matter, maybe living in the gray won’t seem so daunting. We need it. It’s necessary. It teaches us patience. Trust. Grace. Humility. Maybe then we can release that nervous energy to the universe and let it do its thing.
Find awareness. Acknowledge. Settle in the gray. Sit in it. Be still. Own how it affects your being. Release the control to which you have none of and understand this is where, “what will be, will be” was born. It may not be easy for folks like me, but it will make the journey that much sweeter in the days of your life that lie ahead. It will evoke the truest liberation. Besides, gray is very in right now. ;)
much love + light.
xo, jess
“We do not fear the unknown. We fear what we think we know about the unknown.” -Teal Swan